Have you ever witnessed a married couple who desperately avoid a particular activity or scenario because it “always makes them fight?”
As a child, I felt it was absurd, for example, that a couple would just never go to the movies again because they always end up fighting whenever they go to watch a movie. First of all, you never get to watch movies together, ever again. More importantly, the core of the conflict doesn’t magically disappear. It just gets stowed away until the next thing goes wrong.
I could delve into the whys but it would take us on a long scenic route, right back to where we started.
So then, let’s look at the aftermath.
Thin Ice
Often times, a fight is followed by a delicate period where one or both the partners tread thin ice. One wrong move and all hell could break loose. One word misplaced is enough grounds for another nightmarish week. One mindless prod is all it takes for the lifetime’s list of wrongdoings to unfurl in all its fury.
While we can theorise about relationship repair and conflict resolution, it’s nigh impossible to actually feel like doing the prescribed exercise of empathy and validation and connection and magically hugging it out. We aren’t dealing with 4 year olds here. We are most likely dealing with grown-ups who never had that magical hug as 4 year olds and don’t know what it’s like to be invited back into a safe world after things go downhill.
So the next thought is - Now that we fought, what do we do?
As mentioned, every fallout is followed by a delicate period where things may escalate or die down. This is the time when one or both partners tend to perceive the conflict as rejection. They feel worlds apart even while being in the same room.
When we feel that we do not matter to our partner and their decisions, we end up feeling excluded and hurt. In such times, there is a little trick that can help us drift back together. I like to call it ‘‘The Window of Invitation.’’
The Window of Invitation
Many fights are not really about the fight. It’s more about feeling considered by our partner. This is probably why many conflicts feel unsolvable. We try to solve just the problem at hand without really holding each other safely.
More often, we are holding on to a feeling of rejection which prevents real reconciliation.
With the Window of Invitation, we get to ground our minds in each other’s presence and reduce the level of perceived threat. The Window of Invitation, resets the tone of our conversations with small inconsequential matters instead of addressing a heavy point of conflict right when emotions run high. It allows our minds to feel safe enough and stable enough to confront whatever disagreements we need to handle.
One time, I was pouting and my husband asked for something trivial like a glass of water or medication, my first instinct was either to snap at him or ignore him. But having seen where that led us before, I chose to just get up and get him what he asked. And somewhere deep down, I felt relieved that he still chose to need me, even after seeing the worst of me. 
I figured the reverse could also work. So, the next time we hit the rocks, at great risk of experimenting with a grumpy spouse, I tried asking him for a small favour. He sighed, but then he helped. And few to many little favours later, we were comfortable enough to address the actual problem and ultimately agree on reasonable means of staying clear of trouble in future.
Safe to say, we did not stay clear of trouble forever but at least, we now had a way back to each other even on choppy days.
When I tried reaching out to him for the small things, it made him feel needed and included. Where our mind amplified the perceived intensity of the fight, the Window of Invitation put the fight in the right perspective. It was just one day in the chartered journey of our marriage. It did not have to spiral into many days of anguish and silence.
In time, trial and error, I learned that when our partner feels dejected and excluded from our world, we can invite them to step right back in.
So, does my pain mean nothing?
The invitation does not nullify the moment of rejection felt by the partners. When we choose to avoid our partner or a scenario altogether, we are not even giving our marriage a chance. We are choosing to live with the pain forever.
Just as a single moment of oversight hurt us, many moments of closeness can comfort us, too.
The invitation is the simplest form of acceptance that can polish the rough edges of the people that we are. This is the love that heals the pain.
Acceptance need not be a grand gesture. It can be many tiny positive interactions to show our partners we need them and invite them to hold our hand again. When we learn to accept our partners in these rough moments, we also learn to accept ourselves for the parts that feel less than worthy.
However, it does not mean we sweep the offense under the carpet. It is not a call to completely avoid responsibility either. The core issues should be addressed albeit, with intent to resolve and not to blame.
What if I’m the only one making an effort – this dreadful thought can paralyse any well-meaning spouse. Even if we are the only one to take that first step, we are still inviting our partner to join the effort. Ultimately, people are built like mirrors and our influence will eventually show up on our partner.
What if I need space before I can start making any effort – we can communicate that. No taunts, no retorts, no sarcasm, just the fact. We are still inviting our partner to see the side of us that is scared or confused.
What happens without the Invitation?
What is easier - Should both partners be left lonely to drift apart after a fight or should they simply find a way back to each other?
What makes sense - Should we just grumble about inconsiderate partners or create more opportunities for them to show their consideration.
My take is to take the chance to invite our partners back into our lives instead of stewing in our own rejection.
Fine I’ll invite, but will my partner accept?
What if my partner rejects my invitation to reconcile? Then I’ll be twice as hurt and lonely. Is it really worth going down that road?
Truth is, we scare ourselves into a corner even before it’s time to get scared. And many times, the fear started long before we even got married - from observing unhealthy patterns, from imagining worst case scenarios, from deciding early on that other people are unreliable, We go in ready with our defenses long before trouble presents itself.
When we go into a scenario with fear induced back up plans and exit routes, we are half expecting the other person to fail our expectations.
Our partner is as lonely and hurt as we are. Deep down, they too want to make things better. They
probably just don’t know your invitation is their path to joy too. They might even be suspicious the first few times you try this. They might even need space to be able to respond better to you. For now, you have set the course for repair and the dust will settle in time.
Rejection does not heal rejection
After a fight that really triggers me, I could think that I won’t rely on my partner anymore. My feeling
of being rejected is doled back to my partner in equal size and measure. The message being that ‘I don’t really need you that bad’ whereas I am actually afraid to say the opposite, that ‘I really really need you right now’. He would then return the twisted sentiment and we would keep piling rejections on each other until either or both of us collapse. Not the ideal situation but easily true.
Sure, we can share our sorrows but we don’t have to create suffering for ourselves by taking turns to reject each other.
As much as someone’s careless comment can dull the beauty of a rose, so also can our kind gestures bring back the glow to our marriage, theWindow of Invitation being one such opportunity.
Even when we have seen our partner’s worst sides, we can still invite them into the better parts of us. Even when we are not proud of our reactions, we can still grow into our better selves with our partner’s invitation. Why, we can even be brazen enough to invite ourselves back into their life, for that is our rightful place as their life partner.
What really is the invitation?
The invitation is simply a hand that reaches out.
An invisible hug to the broken heart.
A devious fix to self-sabotaging tendencies in marriage.
An uplift to you and your partner without hurting your pride.
In fact, when we take initiative to invite, it actually employs our pride in repairing our relationship
Do you feel like it’s impossible?
Life as we know today did not exist 100 years back. Everything we use today was made from ideas
that originated in one or many human minds. I’d say that is enough proof to believe that we are capable of finding unique creative solutions for the challenges faced in our marriage.
