Every time we fight with a loved one, we know the obvious thing to do is repair. But repair is always the hardest thing to do. I never understood why. The unresolved tension feels like a burden we don’t want to carry. But we can’t let go of it without repair. If we pile on enough burdens this way, we end up on the long winding road to resentment and that’s never pretty.
Whenever I faced conflict as a child, my first instinct was to protect myself. Thinking back on it, it makes sense, since children are wired to somehow survive. But as an adult, the job description has changed. I am now meant to protect things that are greater than me. And in reality, the childhood phase was preparing me for this job.
What are we Protecting?
As a person, each of us have our personal benchmarks, our philosophies and our priorities. Mostly, we define these priorities to avoid the hurt we experienced in the past, or to prevent a dreaded scenario. But as Oogway says in the Kungfu Panda movie, ‘Often one meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.’ 
We try so hard to protect what we consider our treasure. To some, it may be physical possessions or a relationship, to others, it may be personal dignity or peace of mind. Depending on the nature of our treasure, we go on offense or defence or we simply dodge discomfort.
By the end, we are all protecting something or the other. Something that defines us or gives us purpose. And conflict is only a by-product of this process.
Why should there be Conflict?
Conflict arises when there is no alignment in what we seek to protect and what others seek to protect. Even more so, if one person’s treasure requires destroying another person’s treasure.
I never subscribed to the idea of conflict. I would rather not lock horns over anything that wasn’t life threatening because I believe that we all learn from experience. Maybe the other person hasn’t experienced the ill effects of an action that I foresee to be bleak. But each of these instances left me cribbing about life. It felt like my learnings had no meaning or impact. Why should I suffer the same consequences twice and that too for no fault of mine?
Conflict came to the rescue. Not as an all out war but it did become discussions that laid bare our base needs. It revealed what was missing in the equation. When that happened in our marriage, my husband and I tried many ways to meet mid-way. We had yet to learn how to properly repair our relationship after a fight. It took forever and a day, especially when one of us was adamant on our stance.
Conflict in Marriage: Win or Win-Win?
Out of all the different ways to manage conflict in marriage, facing it head on with a certain presumption seems to give the best outcomes. Here’s that presumption – we are on the same team. We may have different
personal agendas. Sometimes, our needs aren’t all met at the same time. Sometimes, we handle personal challenges in different ways. Sometimes, we don’t give the reactions that are expected of us. But we should always look out for each other and enable each other as a team. If we derail, we regroup and get back on track. 
Because marriage was never a promise to agree with each other all the time. Marriage wasn’t a vow to always do things my way or your way. It was a vow to live together, side by side, hand in hand. It doesn’t matter who let go of the hand first, what matters is that we jump to hold hands the first chance we get. This is probably a good place to start even for a relationship that has withered in past storms.
Conflict is said to be best used as a tool to build the marriage. It shows where our thoughts and actions don’t align. It gives us a chance to reset or reconsider what doesn’t work for us. It also gives us a choice – to hold on to anger or indulge with forgiveness. So, conflict in marriage can become a win or a win-win, depending on how we approach it.
The Price of Repair
Conflict can make us stronger together - if we repair after dissent. However, conflicts often end with a showdown and we quietly resume daily routine until the next blow up. The element of repair is not inherent in this process. It is built in by effort and initiation.
Initiating repair is the right thing to do. But it also feels like the weak thing to do. This is something else that never made sense to me. Why should we be afraid to do the right thing? How does it make us weaker when it’s supposed to make the marriage stronger? For some reason, we are trained to believe that the first person to let go loses, The first person to show willingness is more vulnerable. The first person to initiate repair should be the loser a.k.a. the one who caused the problem. And that is exactly the problem.
If we think repair is only about apologising or forgiving, we risk making it a game of power. The person forgiving gains an upper hand and the person apologising becomes the scapegoat. This is wrong on so many levels. Repair isn’t meant to give or take anything. It’s meant to create the opportunity to make life better with each other. If it isn’t done with the right intentions, it cannot give us the best results.
What are we really afraid of?
If we really think about it, losing power or being blamed is only a secondary concern. The worst fear in most marriages is the anticipated reaction from our partner. When a partner initiates repair, if it’s met with contempt,
criticism or worse, rejection, expecting them to grovel and beg or bend over backwards to “show” that they mean it, repair is disrespected. Of course, we shouldn’t stand for shallow words or phony gestures. Nevertheless, it’s our job to enable genuine repair from and with our partners.
Perhaps no one taught us this but we can learn from our own pain. Rejection is the one thing we should never gift our partners. Who is right or wrong can be defined and defended but rejection sends the marriage straight to the grave.
Rewiring Rejection, Initiating Healthy Repair
Responding to rejection calmly and confidently takes practice. It takes many times of recentering our attention from our past losses to future gains.
I was fortunate to be gifted with some quotes worth sharing in this context.
“Maintain your nurturing energy and infectious enthusiasm even when life feel tough” - a secret sauce passed down from my father in a pressing time.
“All things are figure out-able” - a parenting belief I drill down to my marriage to prevent unnecessary worries.
“Consider every act of service to the family as an act of worship to the Lord.” – a well-timed nudge from our parish priest to drive out resentment.
Thoughts such as these hold the ground when the human mind becomes weary. But beyond our personal approach to conflict resolution, there is a very important factor that determines repair. The reactions we give or get when a partner initiates repair!
Often, the response we expect from our partners is the response we get from them. If we approach our partners expecting them to turn us down, we hit a dead end when they do turn us down. But if we can initiate repair or accept their effort trusting them to bring their best foot forward, we might just be surprised how well it works.
By holding up expectations of good intent and constructive reactions, we can slowly change the tune of a sour marriage. If we keep being too negative, the marriage will reflect that as well. We should be willing to examine and adapt the variables in our lives instead of keeping the shallow trophies constant and simply making our marriage a variable. Marriage is meant to mature this way.
The True Reward of Repair
We wonder if we could have had better partners so that we could avoid conflict. Truth is, we are blessed with the partner we need, in order to grow and fulfil our purpose. Treat each other with that conviction and most
conflicts won’t even be conflicts. Our partners are our best bet to protect the things that are important to us. So, let’s not pit them against our own well-being and spend our lifetime being afraid if they will topple our treasures. Repairing after conflict is the means to protect our partners in a secure marriage.
Marriage is in fact, a call to redefine our treasures to include our spouse and family. So, let’s work on building the marriage and protect the family we are blessed with, it’s worth it.
Thus, in many trials and even more errors, I have learnt that the true reward of repair is nurturing a tribe that protects each others’ treasures, making our life itself the ultimate treasure.
