As a teenager I wondered why it was so hard for people to just age gracefully, in demeanour and dignity. As I face middle age myself, I realise first hand the effort involved in untangling the messy knots of limitations and expectations we have carried through the years.
Many have lived for others’ sake, ignoring their own role in drawing up drama in life. But we wished to be free of this drama. And thus was born a higher level of self awareness. Looking at oneself to gain a deeper level of understanding paved the way for better reasoned interactions and consequently, better quality of relationships. However, the benefits of this evolution may be fully visible only later on. 
Is self-awareness good or bad?
If employed in the right place at the right time, self-awareness is a much needed tool for civilisation to evolve. But if allowed to consume everything in its path, it becomes nothing short of monstrosity. However, self-awareness starts to feel hollow after a point.
No matter how deep we dissect, we can never truly understand ourselves by excluding other people. We need other people simply because we are built like mirrors. From the moment we are born, we learn to interact by mirroring our caregivers. Growing up, we learn acceptable conduct from peers and guides. We mould our beliefs upon personal conundrums with societal norms. We are essentially an organism woven of countless interactions.
In short, we are the summation of all the drama we have witnessed.
Is drama really necessary?
We tend to think that life would be much easier without the drama. We like to blame drama when things go wrong. It’s true. Drama does play a critical role in the making and breaking of any relationship.
Anyone who has tried to avoid drama would agree that drama has an undeniable allure. Here’s how I realised that. Once, I asked a dear friend why it’s common to see cattle and storks together. We arrived at the logical conclusion that storks may be feeding off the insects pestering the cows. But the sweet lady returned next day with a dreamy explanation. Since cattle can’t fly, they befriend the storks, amused by their narratives of unique sights from their flight. Hearing this, I laughed. And I felt alive. This is what we are drawn to. As much as life is an illusion accumulated from our interpretations, if it makes us feel alive, it feels like we have achieved what we came for.
I observe the same with my toddler - Even though I keep her factually informed, my daughter could never resist a well frilled tale of leprechauns’ gold and rabbits on the moon. And that is what helps her dream. Of a future that’s beyond her grasp for now. Of miracles in real life. Of invisible traits of courage and kindness. As she grows older, it will also protect her from her true fears. Of losing loved ones. Of making grave mistakes. Of uncertain futures and unseemly betrayals.
What does all this mean in a marriage?
Marriage places one person closest to us, even closer than our own parents and siblings. We end up mirroring each other and growing with each other over our lifetime. In the process, we learn to attune to each other even in the toughest moments. This process enhances our ability and confidence to interact meaningfully with other people in our lives as well, resulting in better social and emotional health.
Here's the tricky part -
Marriage is a setup that prioritises union over self. Hence, a greater sense of self is hard to accommodate in marriage. But with self-awareness in the mix, it gets easier to navigate tricky situations by bringing focus to what truly matters. It gives us an objective view of our self and our partner, our situational constraints and liberties. Eventually, we can accept ourselves and our partners with an open heart; We develop the ability to communicate better without prejudice.
We fondly remember, not the days where everything was normal but the days when chaos ruled and we forged a way through it, together, hand in hand. We, as humans, are meant to experience waves of joy, sorrow, anger, jealousy. When we decide to ride these waves as a team, a strong solid marriage is born. If we try to completely avoid it, we risk a life devoid of the human experience.
The moments that make us feel alive, brings us closer and gives meaning to life. And as partners in a marriage, we must dream of a magical drama to find that spark in our daily lives too.
Bottom line - While we cannot entirely avoid drama, it can be repurposed to suit our pace. This way, we can find a unique rhythm in our marriage that works for us. It helps to have a healthy attitude and even some stubborn faith in the process.
From generations that heavily supressed the self in order to keep the marriage going, we naturally tend to emphasize self over marriage as we transition to a balance. By the end, marriage is not intended to destroy the partners, instead strengthen and nourish them through the promise of a lifetime. For that to be true, we must inculcate respect for each other and it happens comfortably by deploying self-awareness to manage drama.
We can be vulnerable enough to fully explore our human experience with a life-long promise of companionship like marriage. The grace in living out a human life is thus granted when we learn to find comfort with the ones that are placed closest to us.
Chinnu George
